I haven’t posted for a few weeks. On the Friday after Thanksgiving, my wife, Margo, fell ill with a rare blood disease. One hundred and fifty miles from home, she collapsed and over the last 4 weeks we’ve been in a hospital fighting for our lives. 
I’ve gone through things, had experiences, and felt feelings I never thought I would at this point in my life. Three to four in a million people develop the disorder Margo has. During the acute stages of her illness, we were walking through the shadows of the valley. Margo’s case of TTP was critical. She fell into the ~15% of people who are resistant to treatment….~15% of an already rare disease medicine cannot tell us a whole lot about.
There is a fancy word medicine has when it doesn’t know what triggers or brings on a disease like we faced: idiopathic. Science has developed a theory on what happened in Margo’s body when it started destroying key factors of its own blood. But, it can’t tell us what triggered it or why. As a matter of fact, it could happen again. All we can do is watch.
Theology has fancy words, too. I’m at home with fancy words. But, at the bottom of it, not knowing what caused this, something that so quickly threatened to change our lives forever, brought me deep in touch with the helplessness of knowledge- scientific or theological.
We knew the name of the disease. We had good idea of what was happening: why her platelets were being destroyed along with some of her blood cells; why it was most likely auto-immune; why she was barely conscious. We didn’t know why she was resistant to standard treatment. We didn’t know, exactly, why it left her almost unable to communicate with confused speech, and then left her barely consciousness. We didn’t know why she lost use of some of her limbs, why her muscles contorted, why she had terrifying seizures, and later awoke to be delirious, hallucinating, and confused for 82 unbroken hours without sleep. I knew the doctors and nurses became very concerned. But, I didn’t know why this was happening to Margo, why me, or what might become of us, especially our girls. It’s not perfectly clear why she seems to be going into remission; why her body stopped attacking itself or if it’ll happen again….or if it’ll happen in the same way. We don’t know if she’ll fully recover. We don’t know exactly why each case of her blood disorder, TTP, is different.
I guess I’m some kind of theologian. You’d think being completely helplessness, feeling infinitely small, not knowing the future or what precisely was happening to you – or what you could do about it - is something theology and a theologian would be completely at home with. Science inevitably falls short, right? Theology humbly stands off stage ready to fills the gaps: God is the answer. God is in control. God will save you. God always does the right thing. We just can’t understand.
Some people take another angle. Their angle is that science is a gift. It also possesses knowledge of God. I tend to think this way. The right way to approach this kind of situation is to realize God and science can work together. Science provides a kind of knowledge of ourselves and of God. But, when science can’t give effective explanations; when its logic of causality can’t posit an effective and verifiable course of treatment; when it can’t cure what could be brutalizing your wife’s brain and other organs with lack of oxygen, destroying the integrity of her blood, and maybe kill her; when there is no clear enemy, no pathogen, no clear mechanism or trigger for the disease or disorder; when there’s no sequence of events that leads to the deficiency of the enzyme proposed to be causing this disease, an enzyme only the human body can make; what then? What good is this scientific knowledge? What sort of hapless “gift” is this? (You can visualize the spit loosely flying from my mouth as I pronouce the word “gift” in anguished disgust.)
Maybe theology is all there is. Science, really, is just a distraction. When in doubt, throw yourself back on the explanation of all explanations: God. Faith is a kind of willful ignorance. Faith pushes back everything, including science. Belief brushes everything aside. The Word or the name “God” is the answer, the reason and our fullest explanation. Jesus explains it all. “God” or “Jesus” is the name that explains all things: why things happen, the human condition, why things happen to you. “God” is the stop-gap for all human helplessness. Just turn your eyes to the sky. God alone is sovereignty and “His” mysterious ways are why my wife and I fought for our lives, why I knelt and sobbed and prayed at the foot of her bed, why my four and six year old daughters might face losing a parent, why we didn’t know what was going on or why.
Excuse me if I don’t talk to such a person with these answers unless they’ve been where I’ve been. Please pardon me if I don’t want to talk to this person, who doesn’t understand the helplessness of God to do just my bidding or answer my desires in a timely manner, and perform magic in my name – for me, Margo, or my kids. I’m sorry if I don’t understand how this is precisely the wages of faith.
When I was in the ICU, I realized the uselessness of theology – at least the purely academic. I had special knowledge of theology and philosophy, and it wasn’t helping me. What I wanted was to do something, to have answers, to get my bearings. Science was my best bet. But, it, too, had definite limits. It’s knowledge was full of gaps and uncertainty. In this way, the knowledge of science was a lot like theology. Certainty meant nothing.
A blessing was that Margo did seem to respond to the next line of intervention: chemo drugs. But, these particular drugs, as far as I read, had only case-study evidence for their utility. There were no longitudinal studies, no controlled trials. She simply was injected. And, we waited. I remained in a deep sense of introspection, spiritual searching, and vulnerability. Force-fed only one moment at a time, we waited for blood tests. Watched for signs. We hoped.
But, there was something else. Something more. Inbetween the helplessness of scientific knowledge and the uselessness of academic theology, there was a way we faced the uncertainty and the dark shadows we passed through walking in the valley. When Margo was unrespnsive for 10 days, fighting for her life, being sent back and forth to CT’s of her head and abdoman to rule out the chance of lethal bleeding, waiting between blood cultures to makes sure she wasn’t infected by having two active ports into her bloodstream, while thrombi were causing untold damage in the organs of her body, there was something I found within the shadows of uncertain outcome and helplessness. Sometimes, while I walked alone, something still reached me: outpouring prayer.
Prayer and worship helped me face the possibility of Margo dying. Prayer and worship were the only thing that allowed me to leave her side many nights to go be with my two little children. Prayer and worship, done in the physical presence of our visitors as well as with others over the internet – prayers sent from 1000′s of miles away and songs I could only hear in my heart as I read them on the screen – these more than sustained me. They helped me remain vulnerable to the waves of panic, fear, bad news and painful possibilities. They held Margo and I in the uncertain truth. Prayer and worship rectified the situation for me. Prayer and worship brought me into a presence I could barely understand or talk about.
Facing the helplessness of the highest forms of theological and scientific knowledge, prayer and worship provided hope with further prayer and guidance through unknown experiences. Prayer and worship provided me with indescribable community. Prayer and worship filled the air of our hospital room with a defiant sweetness in the face of our deepest fears and trust, regardless of outcome. Prayer and worship held me open. Prayer and worship were the only things that provided sleep at night, and the courage to face the next unknowable day.
As I sit here hopeful that we are on the other side of this struggle with TTP, but helpless to have any sure knowledge, prayer and worship are what remains.

Revisionist history. Whatever.
The old idea, I thought, was that that tautology was sophistry. In other words, A=A didn’t say anything: anything profound, meaningful, or interesting. It only stated the obvious, what was only itself anyway. All sorts of camera tricks, smoke and mirrors, $64 words, and twists of logic could lead up to great prolix and seduce us with a sense of profundity and complexity. But, with a little un-sophisticating of the sophistication, if one could prove that the point one was making came down to A=A, the great mind saying it wasn’t really saying anything….or wasn’t saying anything that A=A couldn’t say by itself.
The legacy of Western Thought has been its concepts. One way to understand postmodern interventions is their attempts to articulate how these concepts have simultaneously been a ruse or trap.
The idea came from an image that came to me while I was reading Foucault’s Discipline and Punish. I was at the section on Bentham’s panopticon.
I’m currently reading Walter Benjamin. While I’m not a lit guy, I see the oft commented crystalline moments of brilliance and poetry in his writing. As Hannah Arednt wrote accurately of him, he thinks in poetics.